


The Ghosts Will Try to Find You

by lizzieonawhim



Category: The Course of Honour
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 13:57:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12367203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzieonawhim/pseuds/lizzieonawhim
Summary: Jainan has a bad dream. Kiem is there to help.





	The Ghosts Will Try to Find You

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Course of Honour](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9720611) by [Avoliot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avoliot/pseuds/Avoliot). 



> I wrote this long before TCoH was actually finished so uhh, be nice? Please? XD
> 
> Title is from the song "Rainbow" by Kesha, because I think it really fits for Jainan

Jainan woke abruptly with unhappiness in the pit of his stomach. Taam had returned and Kiem had left him, turned his back without a word. Taam’s face had melted and changed into Aren’s and he had thrown Jainan down a long, dark hole, where his cheeks began to tingle and his vision blurred--

Taam would be so angry if Jainan woke him with his trembling but he couldn’t stop. Any minute now, Aren would arrive and then--

“Jainan?” A warm hand settled on his shoulder; Jainan flinched, and it immediately withdrew. In the darkness, he could just barely make out the outline of someone lying next to him: Kiem. But hadn’t he left? No, Jainan realized. That had been a dream.

But the trembling did not stop.

Jainan tried to speak, but nothing came out. Instead, he reached out blindly and felt warm skin under his hand. A moment later, familiar arms wrapped around him and pulled him close. Jainan pressed his forehead into the crook of Kiem’s neck and breathed. Slowly, he became aware of Kiem whispering assurances of love and safety, of fingers carding gently through his hair. He drank these things in, clung to them, even as his mind insisted that old terrors had come to visit him again.

A long while later, it seemed, the terror finally eased, and the trembling with it, leaving embarrassment in their wake.

“I am sorry I woke you,” Jainan said at last. Kiem shook his head.

“Married,” he said, pressing a kiss to Jainan’s temple. “Always here for you.” Jainan tried, for a moment, to imagine that Kiem could really care about him so much that he would never resent being woken up night after night by something as childish as bad dreams. As always, his mind slid past the notion.

“Was it Aren or Taam this time?” Kiem asked. Jainan was silent for a moment, struggling with the desire to keep it to himself, to keep this burden from Kiem. He knew by now that Kiem would only be hurt if he did that.

“Both,” he answered at last. He felt Kiem’s arms tighten around him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly. Jainan opened his mouth to say no.

“Taam returned, and you left.” The words tumbled out without his consent. “And then Aren…” he trailed off, uncertain how to put into words the sick dread he had felt, falling through darkness with that face leering above him.

“I’m sorry,” Jainan added. “I know it’s foolish.” Kiem hushed him gently.

“It’s not,” he said. “It’s really, really not. And I’m right here, okay? I’m not leaving you. I’d never leave you.”

“I know,” said Jainan. He did know. The wonder he felt when he thought of Kiem bluffing his way into a secure military facility just to save him made it almost not seem real. But he knew it had happened. And if Kiem had done that, well, even Jainan couldn’t deny that he was here to stay, however incredible it may seem.

“Good.” Kiem pressed a kiss to the top of Jainan’s head. “That's important. I mean, I know it was just a dream, and I’m not saying you can’t have bad dreams or anything, but I just want you to know. That. Um.” He paused. “I’m babbling again, aren’t I? Sorry, sorry! I don’t know what it is with me, every time I try to have a serious conversation with someone--”

Jainan chuckled. The feel of it in his chest made the weight there lessen. “It’s alright. I don’t mind.”

“Which is why you’re the best partner ever, by the way. Part of why. A not-insignificant part.” Jainan could only shake his head. “What?” said Kiem. “I’m serious. I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

“But surely you’d prefer a partner who does not wake you with his nightmares several times a week.” Jainan was no fool. Kiem loved him, yes, but Kiem was made to love. He would have loved another husband just as well -- perhaps better, without all of Jainan’s… complications.

“What?” Keim sounded baffled. “But -- those aren’t your fault.” Jainan said nothing. He could feel himself growing tense. “Jainan, you know that’s not your fault, right?”

“I -- perhaps not,” he admitted. “But if you had another partner--”

“I don’t want another partner,” Kiem said firmly. “I want you.”

A long moment passed as Jainan struggled with himself. “I -- I do not understand why,” he said finally. The words made him feel small, but the therapist Jainan spoke with every week always encouraged him to speak to Kiem about these insecurities. He had simply never found the courage before now.

“Okay,” said Kiem. Jainan felt him pull away and reach for the light sensor, then sit up with a grunt and a sigh as the room filled with a warm amber glow. Nauseous with anxiety, Jainan sat up as well. It was too much. He had shown too much of his weaknesses. Now Kiem would realize how much of Jainan was eaten up with insecurity, would see that he was tainted and broken beyond repair--

“Jainan.” Kiem reached out and took both of Jainan’s hands. Jainan was hyper-aware of Kiem’s soft thumbs brushing back and forth across Jainan’s knuckles as he kept his eyes on Kiem’s face. “You are hands down the best thing that has ever, _ever_ happened to me. I know you don’t believe me,” he added, before Jainan could say anything. “But I would deal with a lot worse than nightmares to keep you in my life. Okay?”

“But you could have anyone,” Jainan argued. “Surely you would be happier with someone less-” he stopped abruptly, letting his gaze fall to their joined hands. Too much. It was all too much.

“Someone less…?” Kiem prompted gently.

Jainan took several deep breaths and managed to take hold of the tattered remains of his courage.

“Someone less broken,” he finished softly. He heard Kiem take a sharp breath and scoot a little closer.

“You’re not broken,” Kiem said firmly. “You’re not, okay?”

“I--” A lump rose in Jainan’s throat as he considered his lost confidence, the way he so often seemed to need reassurance these days, as compared with his younger, stronger self. “I am not who I was.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re broken.” Jainan turned his head away and felt his hair slip over his shoulder to fall between them. One of Kiem’s hands left his and rose to push it back with a tenderness that made Jainan ache. “Jainan, nobody expects you to be the same person you were before Taam. I never even met that person. I fell in love with _you._ ” Hesitantly, Jainan lifted his gaze and found Kiem looking at him with earnest brown eyes. “Taam hurt you, and he made you change, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I mean, obviously if I could go back and stop him from doing that to you, I’d do it in a heartbeat, but that’s not because I think you’re broken. I think you’re the most wonderful, brilliant, amazing, _strongest_ person I’ve ever met, and when I think of how much he hurt you--” Kiem took a deep breath and let it out carefully. “But that doesn’t -- I mean -- nothing’s _wrong_ with you.”

“But he -- he changed me.” Jainan struggled for words. “I am different because he -- how can I be… all those things, when…” He stopped, shame rising and choking off speech. He could hardly bear to think of the taint upon his spirit, let alone put it into words. Surely to allow such a thing was a failure of the highest order.

“Jainan, that’s _normal,_ ” Kiem insisted. “That’s human. Getting hurt, it -- it changes people. And it sucks, yeah, because nobody that awful should have power over someone like you--” Kiem hand moved to cup Jainan’s cheek; Jainan leaned into it automatically. “But it doesn’t change how wonderful you are.”

Jainan swallowed. “I do not feel… wonderful.” To his horror, he felt his breath hitch. Kiem reached for him; Jainan went willingly, lacking the willpower to even manage a pretense of dignity. It should have been humiliating, but this was Kiem. Kiem, who never judged, who never believed the awful things Jainan knew about himself, who stood ready to contradict them all before Jainan had even opened his mouth. Kiem, who listened anyway, who let Jainan air his awful truths before somehow taking the weight out of them, turning things around as if they were a schematic Jainan had been looking at from the wrong direction so he could see that they were lies. Kiem, who -- beyond all reason and probability -- loved him.

So Jainan made no effort to withdraw or stifle his tears. Instead, he cried. He cried for what had been done for him, for the five years he had spent in torment, for the loss of a self that had never known that pain. He cried until his nose clogged up, and then he cried until the sensation began to bother him and he accepted a handkerchief from Kiem in order to blow his nose. In doing so, it was as if he had broken a spell. The urge to cry was gone, as suddenly as if it had never been.

“Better?” said Kiem as Jainan focused on clearing out his breathing apparatus. Jainan thought about it. His head ached, likely due to dehydration, but the tight misery in his chest had abated, and an odd sort of peace had taken its place, settling over him like a blanket.

“Yes,” he decided.

Kiem smiled. “Good.” A comfortable silence followed. Jainan finished blowing his nose and leaned over to gingerly deposit the handkerchief on their bedside table. He made a mental note to make sure the nightstand was disinfected, once the handkerchief had been put in the wardrobe cleanser the next morning. Then he returned to Kiem’s arms. Embarrassment began to set in.

“You must think me a mess,” Jainan said.

Kiem shook his head. “Never.” Jainan smiled a little; of course he didn’t. They both went quiet again. Jainan felt his eyes drifting shut. “Hey Jainan?”

“Mmm?”

“It’s okay that you don’t feel wonderful.” Fingers skimmed across the side of Jainan’s face, pushing a few stray hairs behind his ear. “You still are.”

Jainan opened his eyes to see Kiem looking at him with all the love and affection he had ever imagined in a partner. Jainan couldn’t help it: he leaned in and kissed him, slow and soft, and felt himself melt at how tenderly Kiem kissed back. 

“Thank you,” Jainan said softly. “I… I will try to remember.”

“I’ll remind you if you forget.”

Jainan kissed him again. They might have kept at it for some time had a yawn not pushed its way out of Kiem’s throat, clearly against his will. He gave Jainan a sheepish grin. “Sorry,” he said.

Jainan shook his head. “It’s late. You need rest.” He felt a pang of guilt over having woken him up.

Kiem frowned at him. “I know what you’re thinking, and stop it. Some things are worth losing sleep over.”

“If you keep saying such things, neither of us will sleep at all tonight,” Jainan warned.

Kiem yawned again. “As nice as that sounds, I really am tired,” he admitted. “Raincheck?”

“Of course,” said Jainan. They lay back down again, Kiem on his back with Jainan pressed against his side, like usual.

“Will you be okay, going back to sleep?” Kiem asked, looking down at Jainan worriedly. “No more nightmares?”

“If I’m not,” Jainan said, “you’ll be the first to know.” But Kiem continued to frown at him, so he added, “Yes, I think so.”

“Okay.” Kiem yawned again. “Night, Jainan. Love you.”

“I love you too,” said Jainan, but Kiem was already asleep. No matter; there’d be plenty of time to tell him in the morning. There would be time to tell him many, many more times.

Jainan had thought he might be up for a while, mulling over his dream and their conversation, but he had underestimated his own weariness. Besides, there would be time enough for that, too. Safe and snug against Kiem’s warm, solid bulk, Jainan drifted off to sleep.


End file.
